| | i'm not sure what i want to say. . .i rarely write on here. . but i'm
pretty sure people rarely read so .. there's atleast some mutuality. .
i'm really frustrated at the moment and its at these times that most
creativity is sparked. There is not a lot of creativity in
satisfaction. When you're satiated after a meal, or a
conversation or.. whatever, atleast for me, if I'm laying in bed comfy,
I just want to sleep. but if someone just made me angry. . i
might want to write a poem, or blog, or play guitar or dance in an
abandoned warehouse like Kevin Bacon in Footloose. Those seem to
be healthy ways of getting out aggression, but there is even creativity
in destruction. The way a person choose to punish themselves or
other people. This is not a good use of creativity, but it is
creativity all the same. I failed myself today and I'm
thinking about several creative ways in which I'd like to punish
myself- one is by making mental lists of all the ways I suck. . two is
by eating crap that will allow me to feel self-indulgent while allow my
self-loathing to increase. . . .three is by sleeping and trying to
avoid life which seems the least violent towards myself, but rather
self-negating. I just named a few, but the possibilities really
are endless in the ways we choose to punish ourselves for things we've
done, or even sometimes things others have done which makes us
loathe ourselves. but here I am, desperately wanting to be
healthy, to be creative in a way that reminds me that today's mistakes
are the mistakes of the day. and tomorrow has its own worries,
and this too shall pass. Not to minimize what I've done, but to
remind myself that hating myself does not make me better, and punishing
myself does not make me do better. because only by thinking
better of myself am i able to do better for myself. To be
creative in thinking of the ways I don't suck and the things I do
right. The ways I haven't failed ultimately and still have
a ways to grow. The way that I'm loved no matter what I do and don't
do. . and even still in my moments of failure I don't have to be
defined by them, and it's a choice to see that this is me or this is
not me. And I choose to see that this is not me. I'm more
than the sum of my failures, or successes. And even though I'm
gonna leave this blog and cry a bit, I know i'm crying about my failure
and not crying because i think i'm a failure.
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| | Posted 11/6/2007 12:55 PM - 83 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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